


Don't Say You Love Me

by AimlessCat



Series: She-Ra Au's and Oneshots [2]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, I wrote this all in done day and it's going up with no edits, Implied abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Shit Gets Sad, and i had to add to it, angsty, but this ship is filled with so much angst, fuck shadow weaver ok?, have fun, shadow weaver is a bitch btw, shit gets sad and it doesn't get better, these gays are sad and confused and there is no good communication going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 12:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17425661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AimlessCat/pseuds/AimlessCat
Summary: Standing across from Adora, with the small skirmish still raging around them, Catra doesn't know what's worse.The once-familiar rage that bubbles up from her heart to consume her whenever she sees Adora, or the aching numbness of acceptance when that rage fades away into nothing.This is a lie. She knowsexactlywhat's worse.





	Don't Say You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Maychup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maychup/gifts).



> :)))))))

Standing across from Adora, with the small skirmish still raging around them, Catra doesn't know what's worse. 

The once-familiar rage that bubbles up from her heart to consume her whenever she sees Adora, or the aching numbness of acceptance when that rage fades away into nothing.

_This is a lie. She knows **exactly** what's worse._

This is how it starts.

Adora and Catra have known each other for as long as they can remember. As far as most everyone in the Horde was concerned, there never was a time when it wasn’t Adora-and-Catra, instead of just one or the other. A package deal right from the beginning, a pair since Catra was just a sliver shy of a feral child and Adora was a bright eyed and gap-toothed little girl who saw her and knew immediately that they were going to be the best of friends.

Adora is the first person Catra has ever met who looks at her and sees something more than a mindless little beast. In her world of scary, violent adults who sneer and pull at her like she had a chain to her neck--in her little world of all-consuming anger and fear...Adora is the first to find her and offer a hand rather than a fist. Over time, as all memories of the earliest parts of childhood do, Catra will forget the specifics. What she remembers instead is that Adora is the first person to see _her_ and find something worthwhile. Catra loves her for that, with a bone-deep sort of ache that she couldn’t stop if she tried. Perhaps she falls **in** love with her in part of that.

 

They are seven years old and running hand-in-hand, giggling and smiling and together-

Shadow Weaver finds them, with snaps and snarls and fingers pressed hard enough to bruise, she rips Catra away from Adora. The magic holds her in place and the shadows threaten to suffocate her---but she is let go as soon as Shadow Weaver is satisfied with the scolding Adora has received for the grave offense of _not_ hating Catra. When the woman leaves, she leaves behind a little girl in perfect military posture. She also leave behind a shaking, shivering little mess of a girl curled up on the floor.

The woman leaves, but neither of them move. For a whole minute, then two, both girls wait and listen to see if the woman comes back. Adora, standing with her back perfectly straight and shoulders pulled back, and Catra digging her nails into the floor and refusing to open her eyes.

When she doesn't come back for a second round, and Adora satisfied that she won't, the blonde breaks and rushes to Catra, chubby little hands grasping her everywhere in search of damage. Catra’s self-control breaks and she lurches forward to hide her face in the other girls shirt. Later, in the darkness of the children's ward, Adora will rub a bad-smelling salve on the already black and purple bruises on Catra's shoulder, and wrap it up tightly in the way that only comes with practice they get from their first aid classes. 

Catra's heart threatens to burst already, more for the fact that she knows Adora would have had to steal the supplies and risk getting in genuine trouble, but did it anyway. 

She returns the favor three weeks later when Adora is battered and bloody from Shadow Weaver's training, a punishment presented as a gracious second chance for her lack of progress in recent weeks. After all, Shadow Weaver expects so much from her golden little cadet, and it's such a shame that Adora isn't living up to everything the masked-woman knows she can be.

 

 

They are 9, and in the dark of the night Adora wakes up with a strangled cry and tears spilling onto her cheeks. No matter how hard she grasps at her blankets, her hands wont stop shaking.

So she tries not to wake anyone else up, tries to bury herself in her pillow so deep that nothing, not even her nightmares, can find her.

Catra, always so attuned to the blonde, is having none of it. She crawls onto Adora's bed, and with gentle hands, guides Adora off the top bunk and into hers. Adora goes back to sleep knowing she’ll he safe with Catra to watch out for her.

The next night, she falters just the tiniest of bits before she goes to get back into her bunk. Catra calls her stupid, and drags her back down, throwing her little body over the other girls legs to keep her put.

Adora doesn't try going back to her bunk anymore. Instead she falls asleep with someone else pressed against her, the rumbling of the magicat's purrs the sweetest lullaby she will ever get.

From then on, whenever Adorable wakes up from a nightmare, Catra is there, quiet whispers of reassurance in her ears, and soft-padded fingers running through her hair in a comforting gesture. She buries her head into Catra's neck, and wishes to never have to leave. Those are the nights they sleep curled together, side by side, instead of the brunette sleeping at the foot of the bed.  
Those are the nights that result in mornings where they get up early, too scared of getting caught and torn apart to risk sleeping any longer than they need to. 

One day Catra presents Adora with some markers, no doubt stolen from older cadets, and the two officially mark the bottom bunk as their shared territory, giggling all the while.

 

 

The first time Adora's kisses Catra, is also the first time Catra loses Adora.

They are all of 14, sitting together on the roof, taking advantage of their free time. Adora says something, and Catra is laughing, light and free-and next thing she knows Adora gently touched her cheek to turn her head-

The first time Adora's kisses Catra, it's slow and gentle, her lips stealing the very laughter from Catra's. When they break apart, both flushed red with sudden realization, it takes another minute for their brains to reboot. But then they’re laughing again, and kissing, and Catra has never felt so happy in her life than she does in the moments Adora kisses her and Catra can _feel_ the blonde’s smile.

Shadow Weaver catches them an hour later, as they're still stealing kisses on their way back to the barracks, drunk off each other in a fantastic new way.

Their happiness is stolen by the shadows that lash out like whips.

Catra ends up in the infirmary for two days. When she's finally released, Adora finds her and gently scolds her for not being careful when she does solo-training, hands poking and prodding to make sure she’s really all right now. Catra looks at her with dawning horror, a sick feeling swelling up in her as she realizes that Adora doesn't remember exactly _why_ she was in the infirmary.

She thinks that's it. That Adora will never remember, and she’ll never kiss her soft lips again or hold her hand with fingers interlocked-

5 months later, Adora's kisses her again. Swoops down in a moment of peaceful silence, only to pull away flushing and stunned at her own actions. Catra looks at her, wide eyes and red-faced, and starts sobbing. When the blonde starts freaking out, apologizing in a panic, Catra has to explain just why she’s crying. 

 

Thus begins the cycle.

Catra and Adora keep falling in love, falling together like puzzle pieces. Catra always let's Adora make the first move, let's the other girl set the pace. _(She doesn’t say that it’s because she’s afraid one day Adora won’t want to make the move anymore, that one day Adora will move on to someone else, someone better.)_

Shadow Weaver always finds them out, always rages. Catra suffers and Adora forgets-

But every time, **every time** Adora comes back to her. More than once, Adora proclaims to Catra- _promises_ Catra, that no one will ever take her away. Adora promises between tear-streaked kisses in dark corners that she will find her way back. No one will ever be able to keep them apart for long, forgotten memories or no forgotten memories.

 

Adora's mind gets wiped again mere weeks after she turns 19.

This time, Adora doesn't find her way back into Catra's arms.

This time, Adora is the one who leaves.

 

Catra is left alone with nothing but bitter memories and anger.

 

 

 

It’s been a little more than a year since the Battle of Bright Moon. Entrapta found a lead on a First One’s temple that could very well have what she needs for her experiments on the black garnet. Catra goes ofcourse, taking a small force on skiff’s to hopefully not bring attention down onto them.

But, of course Adora is there with her damn princess friends, _of course_ she’s there. Catra can’t escape her it seems. At Least the bright side is that _Adora_ can’t escape _her_ either.

A bitter little victory, even as Catra is forced to lead her soldiers in a battle with the Rebellion. If she can just drag this on for long enough, if she can just buy enough time then perhaps her two-man team sent sneaking into the temple during the confusion can find what they came here for.

Until then, Catra’s job is to fight She-Ra.

And that is the beginning of the end.

Catra delivers a savage kick to She-Ra’s gut, forcing the “princess of power” stumbling back. It gives her a moment to catch her breath and wipe the blood out of her eye from the gash the blonde left when she hit her with the pommel of the sword.

“Gonna have to do better _She-Ra_ ,” she taunts, throwing on her best grin, lowering back down into a fighting stance unleashing her claws as far as they will go-

“I’m MORE than enough to beat you!” She-Ra barks out, other-worldly blue eyes absolutely burning with such a **delicious** type of anger that makes Catra feel like she’s caught a canary- “Whatever you’re doing here won’t **work** Catra! I won’t let it!”

“Hah, it’s not a matter of _let_ ”-- She-Ra cuts her off, venom dripping from those pretty, blood stained lips.

“There is _nothing_ good about the Horde, never had been, and I’m not giving you the chance to **taint** this place with whatever you’re planning!” She-Ra snarls, lunging forward with powerful arms swinging down the sword at Catra, trying to re-engage-

Catra stumbles back clumsily, barely dodging. Her heart is pounding in her ears, something cold taking root in her chest.

 

Angrily snarking at each other, fighting with words as much as weapons, it’s all part of this now familiar dance they’re in. Catra lets the insults roll off her shoulders like water drops, or uses them to fuel her anger and help her fight harder.

For some reason tho, this one gets to her. The words shoot through her with more precision and power than any of the arrows her crop-top wearing friend has ever at her.

_There is_ **nothing** good about the Horde.  
Nothing **good** about the Horde.  
**Catra is, and always has been, a part of the Horde.**  
Catra isn’t good, was never good, will never be- 

Catra badly dodges another attack, her shoulders shivering as she stares at She-Ra-...at Adora with wide eyes. Maybe it’s because her claws have gone back in to their usual length, or because all the fight has gone out of her body, but Adora slowly stops attacking, looking at her with confusion. Her hand tightens around the handle of her sword.

 

Something like clarity bursts in Catra’s mind. Sudden and sickening, and so _cold_. All the anger leaves Catra’s body in one fell swoop. Her shoulders sag, her chests tightens.

Her voice comes out as a shaky whisper. “Oh.” 

 

Adora looks at her in blatient disbelief. “Oh? OH?!” 

The magicat’s tail dips low, curling around her calf in a self-soothing gesture. “I get it now. Gods, I get it, fuck I was so stupid-” Catra’s voice is teetering on the edge of becoming a full blown sob.

Adora freezes, unsure of what’s happening. She opens her mouth but Catra cuts her off as words start spilling themselves out uncontrollably. 

“I thought-, fuck all this time I thought you kept coming back to me for ME!” Tears, genuine tears, pool in each of Catra’s mismatched eyes. “You promised! No matter how many memories she stole”-distantly Catra registers Adora making confused noises, but she can’t stop now-”you would always come back, but it wasn’t for me was it? I was just available! I was just the least-worst option of the whole lot! Fucking shit! You must of thought me so fucking stupid to keep falling for it!” She chokes on air, she chokes thinking of the closeness she always sees in Adora and her new friends, in the way the purple-haired girl stands so closely, in the way everyone is so freely touchy with her former best friend-maybe-more.

“But you were just waiting for something, someone, _anyone_ better to come long. And it did, that’s all. You got what you wanted so you left.” Catra feels tired all of a sudden. Tired and lonely and weak and oh so foolish.

“It was never about **me**.” The Magicat takes one long, deep breath. “Ok then.” She lets the breath go.

“Ok. I’m done, Adora. I’m done. Sorry for bothering you for so long.” 

Catra takes one more selfish moment to bask in Adora’s presence. Sure, the physical form is She-Ra’s, but inside it’s still Adora. She soaks it all up, files it all away in her head, and then gives a short-but-formal nod. 

“Bye Adora.” 

Catra turns tail and flees, the sudden motion snapping Adora out of whatever funk she was in because she can hear the bigger girl following, shouting at her. Catra pays no mind. 

“Retreat!” She shouts suddenly, jumping up onto a skiff passing over-head. “Fall back! Retreat!” Her soldiers are confused, but follow orders. She grabs at a communicator as the pilot of the skiff swoops low enough for more soldiers to climb on, before punching the gas to get them all out. 

She makes a hasty call to the two soldiers she sent in alone, telling them to turn around now and move to the secondary pickup location.

 

For the first time since Adora first stood on the other side of a battlefield than Catra, the girl doesn’t look back to get one last look of her once friend and sometimes lover.

Catra just leaves.

 

 

All around Adora, her friends are letting out cheers, the usual euphoria of winning a battle rising up with the Horde’s unexpected and hasty retreat. Adora let’s She-Ra’s transformation slip away, her eyes never living the now-small and distant image of the skiff Catra left on.

Her heart feels like it’s breaking, it feels like she’s lost something so, _so_ important. She just doesn’t know what. 

Adora has never felt so confused in her life.

 

 

Glimmer and Bow, ever such wonderful friends, notice Adora’s unusual behavior after the battle. But all she can tell them is that she _needs_ to talk to Catra again. Something feels wrong, feels _final_ , in a way that makes her sick. Adora wants answers and Catra is the only one who has them. Despite their worry that this might be some sort of ploy to lead Adora into a trap, they do eventually, grudgingly, agree to help her isolate Catra so they can talk next time they fight.

 

Except….except Catra isn’t there. The next time the Rebellion fights off the Horde, Catra is nowhere to be seen. Infact, Catra doesn’t show up for any of the Horde’s attacks or ambushes. She’s like a ghost, and each fight that she doesn’t show up with a “Hey Adora” taunt on her lips is a fight that leaves Adora just a little more confused, just a little more hurt, just a little more scared.

Then the rumors come in. Whispered rumors that turn into facts spoken from informants and captured enemy soldiers’ lips. 

Catra is no longer with the Horde. The now former second-in-command is nowhere to be seen, anywhere. Another Force Captain has taken her place, and is leading the charge. Exactly where she went though, nobody knows. 

Some day she deflected, turn tail and ran away. Others say Hordak had her killed for her failures. Some, and these rumors always hurt the most, claim that she died from wounds received at the hands of her last fight with She-Ra. (Adora knows this to be false. She knows every wound she managed to give Catra, and every wound she received in turn from that last fight, but she still _wonders_ )

 

It all comes to a head in a meeting of the Princess Alliance. Catra is the subject, as well as is her replacement, and what they need to do about it. 

Everyone is talking, and finally, finally they push to find out _exactly_ what happened the last time the two fought. 

It’s Bow who makes the scales tip. “Adora,” he says, hand on her shoulder and giving her a look, “please, we need to know.”

“That’s just it!” She shouts suddenly, frustrated and hurt and oh-so confused. “I don’t _know_! One minute we’re fighting, and the next she’s not! She’s going on about promises and how she understands and stolen memories-” A crash interrupts Adora’s tirade. 

“What,” Queen Castaspella says slowly, “did you just say?” The sorceress was staring Adora down intently, something fierce shining in her eyes.

 

And that is how Adora finds herself kneeling in front of Glimmer’s aunt, head pressed into the older womans hands, having magic root around trying to confirm or deny the alligations of stolen or tampered memories. 

This is how Adora _gets those memories back._

 

 

 

_Catra is pressed up against Adora, fingers tangled in her hair and lips crushed against hers. It’s **delicious** , the whimpers she makes, all the little gasps escaping as Adora does her best to make Catra see stars behind her closed eyes. _

_Catra had officially been given her updated credentials, declaring her a Cadet of 18. It won’t be long til they’re out on the field together, finally fighting._

_They may not know Catra’s actual birthday, but Adora wants to make this special for Catra. So she took the blanket and unused pillow from the bunk, that is still technically hers, and brought them up to the most secluded spot on the roof she could find. All she had to do to get Catra here was whisper sweet words and a time into Catra’s ear after training._

_And now here they are, laid together on the roof under the stars. Catra’s shirt is long gone, and Adora hopes her own shirt won’t last much longer. They are so, so close to the freedom of being able to be together openly. She is drunk off the taste of the girl below her. Drunk off her kisses, her sounds, drunk off the simple fact that Catra is_ her’s _and here with her on this rooftop._

_She needs to make sure Catra knows how she feels about her. Here under the starry sky, Adora wants to leave herself bare before her, put all her feelings out into the open._

_She wants to make sure Catra knows exactly how she feels._

_It’s a struggle, but when they next break apart for air, Adora resists the temptation to dive back in, to nibble at the spot on Catra’s neck that always seems to make her go weak. Her hands remove themselves from where they roam under the blankets on Catra’s peach-fuzzy skin, and move up to grasp on either side of the magicats head._

_She stares into those gorgeously dazed mismatched eyes, and rests their foreheads together, finally ready to speak._

_“Catra….Catra I lo-” Catra shakes her head violently, surging up to swallow the words from Adora’s lips before she can say them._

_“Please..”Catra whispers, voice trembling. “Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.”_

_A strangled sort of sound escapes Adora’s throat. “What? Catra why-”_

_Catra kisses her again, gentler this time. A kiss to soothe fears._

_“Not yet, ok?” Another slow kiss, fangs teasing Adora’s bottom lip. “Not yet.” Her hand comes up to caress Adora’s cheek. She leans into the rough-padded fingers, overcome with understanding and so much love that Adora feels like she’s going to drown in it._

_“When?” Is all she asks._

_Catra smiles. “When we don’t have to worry about anyone trying to keep us apart.”_

_Adora smiles sadly back. “Ok. Promise?”_

_The girl below her laughs, throwing both arms around her neck to drag her down, down **down** \- “Promise.”_

_They spend the rest of the night getting lost in each other under what few stars peek out from the Fright Zone’s sky._

 

 

When Adora is released from Castaspella’s hands, when she comes back to her current reality surrounded by her friends and allies in the Rebellion, tears have already stained her cheeks. She breaks.

 

No one forgets the sound of the pained howl’s that come from the great She-Ra’s lips that day, as she and her heart shatter into a thousand pieces on the cold marble floor of the meeting room.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it Maychup! This angst is for you. We know how much you love angst. :)))))


End file.
